London Underground

I’m sitting on the tube, rucksack on my knee - this is the perfect opportunity! I search through my rucksack for them but there is too much stuff and I can’t find them…

…I get frustrated….

I remember I have some in the zip pocket - I find the box, open it, take three cards out and close my bag. The guy opposite looks over to see what I've taken out. I get embarrassed and try to hide them.

*It’s been a while since I have left any cards and I had forgotten how scared I sometimes feel when I am about to do it.*

The guy gets off. The opposite seats are now empty. I want to lean over and put a card on the seat in front, but there is another guy sitting next to me and I'm too scared.

I wait until my stop.
I stand up.
Put my rucksack on.
Cards clutched in my hand.
As I get off I drop one on the seat.
I don’t look back.
I feel like I can breathe again now.

I’d forgotten how frustrated I get.
How much it makes my heart race.

I’m glad I did it now.

________________________


London Underground

My final tube home.
I get the card out as I wait on the platform. The tube comes. I get on, and as I do I drop a card on the seat opposite before I sit down. There are only two other people in the carriage so I don’t feel too self-conscious as they don’t even notice me.

-I sit down and wait, knowing I have to pass through seven stops and that it is getting close to rush hour.

At the next stop a European family get on…

The youngest boy, who looks around 6 years old, picks up the card. – He looks at it, but he doesn’t understand it.

His older sister comes over to him, takes it from his hand, again not understanding as she looks at it.

Then the middle brother comes over, he takes it from his sister and has a quick glance at it. Realising he doesn’t understand it, he sits down. He keeps the card in his hand the whole journey, glancing at it every now and then.

In some ways, I wish he would just put it down and then there may be a chance of me catching someone else’s reaction before I have to get off. But I know I shouldn’t be thinking like that.

*And I am glad he didn’t discard it straight away like his brother and sister did, just because he didn’t understand it. *

I wonder whether he will take it with him.
I cannot decide whether or not I want him to.

Their stop comes and I think I am partly relived when he leaves it on the seat before he gets off.
But I don’t like that I feel this way for selfish reasons.

The man that has been sitting a couple of seats away from them tries to look over at it, but he can’t see what it is.
He tries a couple of times…
He is too far away…
He gives up.

I have two more stops before I have to get off and I am secretly hoping that someone else will get on and sit there before I have to go.

Nobody comes and though I know I shouldn’t…

…I feel disappointed.

So much for my plans of writing daily, or at least more regularly.
Thing is, the real reason I don’t is because I can never get to my computer, because my desk is always piled high with rubbish, covering the keyboard and mouse and I have no where else to put the stuff. So I just don’t bother and the pile gets higher.
I have too much junk and I don’t know how to get rid of it.
- I don’t know how to be ruthless,
I always keep hold of everything.

The only reason I’ve managed to get to the computer now is coz I had to tidy my room. Going home for Christmas. Well for some of it. Will be in London for lots of it too.

So I’m just waiting to be picked up
Have been waiting all day…

But it’s been nice to have a day where I just have nothing to do… well once I had tidied and packed. For once I could do nothing without feeling guilty, and felt good.

-I’m just writing rubbish so I should stop really -Sorry –

Today I was talking to little Laura, she told me about her auntie. The one who took some of my cards at our exhibition…

Laura had been talking to her.
She had split from her partner and so it meant she could put up the things she wanted to without having to compromise.

She put my cards on a part of the wall where the plaster was coming through – to brighten it up a bit, and so that she can look at them when she is feeling sad.

She had some men round her house to fix something. And because they are handwritten they aren’t easy to just glance at. So these men were trying to look at them subtly, but they couldn’t – they had to look at them closely before they could realise what they said.

It is nice to hear what happens to them afterwards.
When they start to have a life of their own.
With most I will never know what happened to them.
So I like it when every now and then people will tell me a small account of their card.
And I get a little glimpse into its new life.

Walking back from Shared Planet,
Through Oxford,
Bikes everywhere
- I love it!

The guy walking in front -
-Also walking back from Shared Planet-
He had one of those biscuits,
The ones you get free with your coffee.

He left it on the seat of a bicycle,
For the person to find when they return.

"All people are essentially good."

I was on the tram the other day and there were three people going around giving out chocolates.
Well Quality Streets.
And I remember because they were Nestle, and I was thinking if it would be wrong of me to accept one.

I decided I was going to.
I waited for them to come to me…
There was one person coming from each side.
I wondered who’d get to me first-
But most of all I wondered why they were giving them out-

Secretly I hoped that maybe they were part of Danny Wallace’s Karma Army.

I looked again to see which of the two men were nearing me.
One had stopped and was sitting talking to a couple about what he was doing.
I tried to hear but couldn’t.
So I waited for the other man to reach me.
I was looking forward to having a dialogue with him.
He got close…

Now I would get my answer which came with the words he spoke:
"Would you like a chocolate as a token of God’s love for you?"

-I took one and thanked him.
He walked away and I felt a bit disappointed.
There wasn’t really much dialogue, which I assume is why they were doing this.
Maybe it was my fault.
Maybe I should have said something.
…but I didn’t know what to say…

We arrived at the next tram stop and they got off.

Maybe that’s why he didn’t talk. Maybe he didn’t have the time because he'd be getting off in a minute.

I didn’t keep up with you.
I ignored you all summer...
…left you in the corner of my room all alone.

The only time I came to you was when I wanted something.
When I wanted you to look after something…
My photos.

And you did, without a word of complaint.
Thank you.

I have just been reading through this and filling in all the apostrophes I had left out. Though I’m not sure I should have. But for some reason today I found the lack of them annoying, though I never normally care.

In fact I’ve probably missed a lot of them…
Suppose to me it’s not that important.
But I kind of feel I have a duty to use them.
Especially after I watched that program about people that were so obsessed by the missing ones, they would go around and fill them in.

Good old apostrophe

- Right enough distracting myself – Essay time* -
*correction – ‘Research bloody Portfolio’ time.

Grovener Park – Chester

Sunshine brings
Summer days,
Summer walks,

By the river,
Through the park.

It is early evening now,
The park is quietening down.

There is a large group of teenagers by one set of benches.
This is where they all meet in the summer.
Now that Commerce is no longer an option.
They seem to be having fun, laughing and joking.

We walk past some benches, and I really want to leave some cards but I don’t know if I can. I get scared.

We walk to some other benches further away from all the people. Here there are trees blocking some of the view and I feel less noticeable.

I walk along the benches searching for one that has a little gap behind the plaque.
Just enough to slip in a corner of the card.
Many are tightly attached but I find a couple with some space.

I put my cards on the two benches.

They both have memory plaques.
They read:

"Donated to the memory of
My dear husband
Cyril Stone
‘A proud Chester lad’"

"Remembering
Stanley Tomlins
1969"

We then walked back towards the other benches.
I make Rich sit down on the benches with me so that it isn’t so obvious.

It always seems to be easier if I have somebody else with me.
I feel more protected.
By myself I get scared.
I know it’s stupid but I feel vulnerable.
Though I have no reason to.

Here there are another two benches which I can put my cards on. Their memory plaques read:

"In fond memory of
Freda and Henry Hutchinson
Dedicated July 1990"

"In loving memory of
Audrey and Charles Donnelly"

Having placed my cards,
We walk towards the exit.
Walking past the group of teenagers.
One stands up and comes to talk to us.
It is Rich’s brother.

Sacré-Coeur - Paris

It’s been a long and tiring day.
The heat is baking and we are at the top on the steps leading up to the Sacré-Coeur.

I would like to blame the tiredness on walking up all those hundreds of steps. But we cheated and took the lift.

Three of us are sitting on the steps outside the Sacré-Coeur. Waiting for the others to come out of the church. We have managed to find a spot that isn’t too hot and that is in the shade.

There is a beautiful view from here.
Being so high up,
Over looking Paris.

I look down at the steps, and remember that part of Amelie is filmed here. The part where she leaves a note for the guy whose book she has.

I love that film.
The little things she does,
The little nice things.

I open my bag and take out a card.
I feel slightly nervous as there are so many people around.
But I look around and see that everyone seems so busy, no one is paying any attention to me. I shouldn’t worry so much.

I slip it into a little gap between the metals on the handrail, just before the entrance to the church.

Flight from Liverpool to Charles De Gaulle

We are sitting on the plane in Liverpool airport. We have been sitting here for an hour and a half and still haven’t taken off. Some problem with the airport in Paris.

I have been reading.
But feel like a break from my book.
I search through my bag for my discman.
As I do, I come across my box of cards.
I take them both out.

My sister is sitting on one side of me, and a French lady on the other side. I had been speaking to her earlier so I don’t feel too self-conscious about it. She isn’t looking anyway. Her eyes are closed. So it’s ok.

I pick out a card and place it in the pocket in front of my seat. It falls straight out through the gaps. I am glad the French woman’s eyes are closed. This would have just drawn more attention to myself and I would have started to get nervous about it.

I pick the card up and this time place it inside the safety booklet that is in the pocket.

I take out another card.
Slightly open my seat table.
Slide the card in.
And close it again.

I look over at the French lady. Her eyes are now open, but she is looking out of the window. I don’t think she saw me.

Though it shouldn’t matter if she did.
I don’t know why but it seems to make me nervous if strangers see what I am up to.
I know it shouldn’t.

I’ve been naughty again.
I haven’t kept this up like I promised.

It’s because its summer, and I’ve moved back home and have lots of things to do,
No excuse, but now I’ve set up my computer back at home, maybe now I will keep up.

Am off to gay Paris tomorrow for my cousin’s hen night,
So you I won’t be keeping up till I get back…
Will be back on Monday…
Don’t miss me too much

I tried to draw the Eiffel tower….
But I’m rubbish
I couldn’t do it

Chester Walls

It’s a warm summer evening. I love it when the weather is like this. It doesn’t get dark until late, and when it does, it seems to get dark slowly as the air starts to cool down.

It’s always strange being home from university:

People have moved on,
Our paths have drifted apart,
They barely cross anymore.

It sometimes feels quite lonely.

I feel restless – I want to be outside enjoying the summer evenings.

My brother decides he wants to go free running.
I jump at the chance, to get out of the house, although I know it will mean lots of traipsing around where he wants to go.
Maybe I’ll get some decent photos though.

So I grab my camera and my box of cards off we go.

I go outside and breathe in the fresh air and feel it circulate around my body. Replacing the humid, warm air of a hot, stuffy day.

My brother picks his best spots.
And I stand around while he looks around planning his jumps.

I take one of my stickers out of my box and put it on the lamppost. I don’t often like to leave the stickers, as it’s not the same as finding a card. But I think tonight it will just be the stickers, as I never leave them. They never get chosen, so I feel like I leave them out.

My brother has planned his jump.
He calls me over to watch.
I get my camera, and take a few photographs as he repeats his jumps in different ways.

_________________________________


Town Centre – Chester

He has exhausted that spot.

He moves on.
Away from the walls.
Down some back streets,

I follow.

We walk past The Gateway where we both used to attend the youth theatre. Just opposite it is the alleyway where the professional free runners jumped when they came to Chester.
Daniel studies the jump. Wishing that he could do it. But he sticks to smaller ones.

Here I leave two stickers:

One I leave on a railing by the entrance to the car park.

Nearby there is some stencil graffiti of a gas mask. I take a photo of it. Daniel notices and tells me it is Adam’s.

The other I put on a lamppost.
I can see the remains of where a previous sticker had been placed.
Now all washed and peeled away,
Only the white mark left.
I place the sticker of the top of this.

_____________________________


Commerce House – Chester

Commerce house – the memories return.

This is where I used to come when I was younger.
Every single weekend and after school when I could.
We would all congregate here.

It had lots of steps and slopes, which the skaters and bladers loved. Perfect for practising new
tricks.

Now they have fenced it all off.
And tried to remove anything that could have been used for tricks.
To keep the youth away I suppose.

It was a disused building then.
I don’t know if it still is,

I put a sticker on the lamppost:
‘Never forget you’re free’

Felt bad for not writing,
For ignoring you…
Walking past you quickly and jumping into bed
Pretending I had forgotten about you…

…I’m sorry.

Now it’s room time
I bought a box today,
It’s grey and simple. I love it

-my box, although this makes it look like a safe. Which it is not! -

I hoped it will solve all my problems (yes all of them…every single one). Though in reality I know it will only solve one…
The mess that is my room –
At least it’s a start

Telephone Wire

I feel naughty because I didn’t write yesterday. And I promised myself I’d write something every day even if it’s only a sentence. I am typing with one hand as well which is really annoying. Went to Alton towers yesterday, went on the rapids, but they beat me up. I now have a bruised leg and a bruised and cut elbow. Means I can’t move it too much which makes things difficult.

On the way home I saw the ‘hug a human’ guy.
Every time I see him I want to run up to him and give him a hug.

But I didn’t.

For one, I probably physically couldn’t because of my elbow.
And two, I worry he’d think I was a weirdo,
He doesn’t know me and I don’t know him.

I don’t know why I get this compulsion to hug him, I just do.

Hug a Human Badge

Never let me draw you.

I discovered that my 'little something to brighten up my day' wasn't numbered. I went and got another one today. It was # 96. I told James. He asked me to bring my unnumbered one back because he'd obviously messed up somewhere. I said I would. But now I'm not too sure that I want to. I quite like that it was forgotten and missed out. That it isn't numbered. That it still has the potential to be any number.

I worry that he may take it away from me and brand it with a number...
...then it will be like all the others...

...maybe I should tell him my fears...

___________________________________________


Today I bought a little notebook with a brown cover and cream kind of pages, maybe it's more of an off white. It even has a red ribbon page marker, I'm not sure whether I like the red, but it may come in useful. I like my new book. It feels small and precious. I'm scared that I will ruin it when I make my mark.