London Underground

I’m sitting on the tube, rucksack on my knee - this is the perfect opportunity! I search through my rucksack for them but there is too much stuff and I can’t find them…

…I get frustrated….

I remember I have some in the zip pocket - I find the box, open it, take three cards out and close my bag. The guy opposite looks over to see what I've taken out. I get embarrassed and try to hide them.

*It’s been a while since I have left any cards and I had forgotten how scared I sometimes feel when I am about to do it.*

The guy gets off. The opposite seats are now empty. I want to lean over and put a card on the seat in front, but there is another guy sitting next to me and I'm too scared.

I wait until my stop.
I stand up.
Put my rucksack on.
Cards clutched in my hand.
As I get off I drop one on the seat.
I don’t look back.
I feel like I can breathe again now.

I’d forgotten how frustrated I get.
How much it makes my heart race.

I’m glad I did it now.

________________________


London Underground

My final tube home.
I get the card out as I wait on the platform. The tube comes. I get on, and as I do I drop a card on the seat opposite before I sit down. There are only two other people in the carriage so I don’t feel too self-conscious as they don’t even notice me.

-I sit down and wait, knowing I have to pass through seven stops and that it is getting close to rush hour.

At the next stop a European family get on…

The youngest boy, who looks around 6 years old, picks up the card. – He looks at it, but he doesn’t understand it.

His older sister comes over to him, takes it from his hand, again not understanding as she looks at it.

Then the middle brother comes over, he takes it from his sister and has a quick glance at it. Realising he doesn’t understand it, he sits down. He keeps the card in his hand the whole journey, glancing at it every now and then.

In some ways, I wish he would just put it down and then there may be a chance of me catching someone else’s reaction before I have to get off. But I know I shouldn’t be thinking like that.

*And I am glad he didn’t discard it straight away like his brother and sister did, just because he didn’t understand it. *

I wonder whether he will take it with him.
I cannot decide whether or not I want him to.

Their stop comes and I think I am partly relived when he leaves it on the seat before he gets off.
But I don’t like that I feel this way for selfish reasons.

The man that has been sitting a couple of seats away from them tries to look over at it, but he can’t see what it is.
He tries a couple of times…
He is too far away…
He gives up.

I have two more stops before I have to get off and I am secretly hoping that someone else will get on and sit there before I have to go.

Nobody comes and though I know I shouldn’t…

…I feel disappointed.

So much for my plans of writing daily, or at least more regularly.
Thing is, the real reason I don’t is because I can never get to my computer, because my desk is always piled high with rubbish, covering the keyboard and mouse and I have no where else to put the stuff. So I just don’t bother and the pile gets higher.
I have too much junk and I don’t know how to get rid of it.
- I don’t know how to be ruthless,
I always keep hold of everything.

The only reason I’ve managed to get to the computer now is coz I had to tidy my room. Going home for Christmas. Well for some of it. Will be in London for lots of it too.

So I’m just waiting to be picked up
Have been waiting all day…

But it’s been nice to have a day where I just have nothing to do… well once I had tidied and packed. For once I could do nothing without feeling guilty, and felt good.

-I’m just writing rubbish so I should stop really -Sorry –