Ikea – Nottingham

My parents are visiting.
We decide to go to Ikea.

We try out every sofa.
Sit on every seat.
Lie on every bed.
Go into every show room.

Mum found some plastic flowers. She brings them over to me. We decide to put them in a show room.
I go into one.
Take out a glass
And put the flowers inside.
Then I take out a card
And leave it next to them.

We collect flowers as we go along and put them in different places. In one of the kitchens, I put three flowers sticking out of the sink plughole. And leave a card in the sink next to it.

I really want to put one in the toilet. So I find a show room where the toilet is slightly secluded. I go in. But the seat has been glued down.

Instead I settle for leaving the flowers and card in the bathroom sink. But I don’t wait to see if anyone notices in any of the rooms.

We come out of the last room and there is a spotlight circling on the floor. It’s projecting some offer they have on. But as no one is around, we decide to use it as a spotlight to dance under. I dance in turn with my mum and my dad.

Who’d have known you could have so much fun in Ikea?

We sit side by side on the bed.
Still.
Too scared to talk.
Fear of what is to come.
…
I am feeling uneasy.
- I move to the other side of the bed
And try to make myself comfortable.
He does the same.

Silence…

He can’t take it any longer…
“Are we going to talk now?"
I dared not speak...
“I think we need to.”

I know he is right.
It can’t be delayed any longer.
I can’t delay it any longer.

It is me that has to speak.
He is waiting…
…
I look at him.
I see his eyes.

This is the hardest things I've ever had to do.
I don't know how to do it.

I keep searching for words,
Hoping for some to come to me.
But they don’t.

And all I can say is…
“I don’t know how to start.”

He sits,
Waiting,
Patient.
Waiting for the words to leave my mouth.

But they won’t come.
They have deserted me.

I ask him to start,
Knowing there isn’t much for him to say.
But hoping me would lead me to where I needed to be,
Bringing me closer.
Just as he always does when I struggle.

Like the good-hearted person he is,
He does what I need.
What he knows I need.

He leads me down the path,
Holding my hand,
Drawing me nearer to the edge with each word.

Then he speaks the words
That prepare me to take a step on my own.

“Normally it’s me who reassures you that it’s all going to be ok.
But I can’t do that this time,
I just don’t know…”

He has let go…
I am at the edge…

He looks at me,
Willing me not to speak the words we both know are coming.

And through a broken voice
- I speak them.

“I just don’t know that I can do it anymore.”

I take the final step.
I speak the selfish words.

The stillness returns,
This time disturbed only with teardrops.

Holding them back hurts more,
And so I let them come.

Here we lie,
Holding each other.
Never wanting to let go,
Never wanting this time to stop,

Our bubble,
Our moment,
Our time.

Weatherspoons, The Roebuck – Nottingham

Closing time draws near. We are planning where to go next.
The bar tenders start to clear the tables, closing down for the night.

One of the bar tenders has been wiping the tables next to where we are sitting. He is called away.

He has been gone for over ten minutes already.
He has left his cleaning stuff on the table so he will be back.

I pick out a card, and put it on the table.

We carry on talking, finishing our drinks. I forget all about it. Until I see him walk back over.

I watch him.
I wonder if he will pick it up,
Or if he will ignore it.

He goes to pick up his spray and cloth.
But stops.
He has seen the card.

He picks it up.
He reads it.
A small smile creeps across his face.
And in turn across mine.

He tucks it into his shirt pocket,
And carries on cleaning with a smile on his face.

Café Nero – Nottingham

The only place to sit was up here.
There is a good view.
Of people passing by.
I get to watch them pass through their lives.

My eyes flicker round the room.
Watching,
Observing their movements.

There is a guy sitting in the corner reading a book.
I am jealous of him.
I want to feel comfortable sitting on my own.

He gets up to leave.
A game of musical chairs takes place in his absence.

I take a card out, reach out and place it on the table next to me. Minutes later, a guy and a girl come in and sit at the table. It hasn’t been cleared yet so they push the rubbish over to one side. They don’t seem to notice the card.

I look back out of the window,
I watch the people walk by.
I play the guessing game.
Making up stories about who they are.

He smokes his cigarette.
She touches her hair.
I look down
– I watch.
He paces up and down
– waiting.
She glances inside.
The little one blows her nose.
I look away.

I look back over to the couple,
They are deep in conversation.
Too deep now- they won’t notice it.

Outside I see him.
I’ve heard about him before,
But I have never seen him until now.
I watch him until he passes out of my view.
Headphones the size of speakers.
They must be some weight to carry around.
The women waiting outside the shop sees him too.
She watches him pass, smiling to herself.
I smile at her, smiling at him.
Everyone is watching everyone else – but no one notices that they are being watched…

Not even me…
Until I look up and see him looking at me.

I stand up, drop a card and leave.

Cookie Club – Nottingham

With my coat and purse in my hand I queue up for the cloakroom. The woman takes my coat. I pay her, take the ticket and walk onto the dance floor. We start to dance and I realise I sill have the ticket in my hand. I get my cardholder out and put it inside.

The holder glows under the UV light, and in our merry state we seem to find it really interesting.
I get a card out, and as I do someone takes it from me and starts waving it around.

A couple of guys dancing next to us look over and see the glowing card.
They grab it wondering what it is.

One of them tries to read it, but can’t make it out in the dark.
His friend takes it from him.
He reads it and looks very confused.

‘What does it mean?’

‘Whatever you want it to.’ I answer.
I don’t think he is happy with that as an answer.

‘Is it some kind of religious thing?’ he asks.
His friend has now managed to read it, and he too is looking at me waiting for an answer.

I tell them that it isn’t.
We talk for a bit.
They are still very confused,
And I am having trouble explaining myself.

I don’t really want to explain myself.
We talk and laugh,
They still don’t understand.
But I don’t mind that.

At one point they seem to be slightly offended by the card. Which I admit I don't quite understand.
But we laugh it off on both sides.

The card is returned to me,
The two guys say bye and wander off in search of a drink.

Boots Library – Nottingham

I get in the lift to go up to the fourth floor – computers.
I put my smart card in my jacket pocket and realise I have a card in there from yesterday. I had planned to leave it in the arboretum on my way home, but it was locked up by the time I left uni.

There is no one else in the lift.
So I tuck the card into a bit of metal next to the door.
Most of it still on view.

I get out on the fourth floor.
There is nobody waiting to get in when I get out.

I’m slightly disappointed.


Time comes to make my way home.
I wait for the lift to come.
I forget all about the previous card, until I get in, and notice where it isn’t.

I look down to the floor, expecting to see that it has just fallen.
But it isn’t there.
Somebody had taken it.
It makes me smile.

I find another one to replace it.

When I reach the ground floor,
There is one guy alone.
He enters the lift after I get out.

I hope that he will notice it.

I went to the New York film club.
There weren’t many people there.

But I kinda liked it like that.

It was West Side Story.
I love it.
I wanted to sing along but I couldn’t really.

Ruby left me half way through,
So I was sitting on my own,
But it was still cool.

Today I did the screen-printing workshop.

White words on white paper.

White works on cream fabric.

Hidden words,

Whispers,

Your secrets.

Today I met Jane.

We went on a sweet hunt,

- The best kind of hunt possible.

All in the name of research.

At least that was her excuse.

I just didn't need one.

Café Nero – Chester

Sitting drinking hot chocolate and I remember
– my cards –

I keep forgetting to leave them.

I always have a couple with me wherever I go – but I always forget. And that is the whole point of them.

The tables in Café Nero are really close to each other. So I put one on the table next to me.

A few minutes later, a waiter comes over to clear the table.
I look over and see that he has put the card on the tray.
Cleared it up with the rest of the things.
He takes it away.

- I hope he will look at it when he clears the trays –
But I know he won’t.

I know it will end up in the bin.

_________________________




Later on I leave one on the table on the other side of ours.

We sit and talk for another 20 minutes or so.
- In all that time nobody comes to sit there.

We make plans to go somewhere else. I start to gather my things, and as I do a lady comes and sits at the table. I start to put my jumper and coat on slowly, wanting to stay a little longer. But Rich is already standing up, waiting for me, so I can’t be too long.

I try to watch the woman without being too obvious.

As she approaches the table, she pushes the card over to the other side before sitting down.
After having sat down and taken her jacket off, she has nothing to do but wait until her friend brings the drinks over.

As she waited,
She reaches over for the card,
Has a quick look at it,
And then puts it back down.

A second later she picks it up again, almost as though doing a double take.
She holds it right up to her eyes to read it properly.
She looks slightly confused.
She turns the card over, looking for more information on the back.
She finds nothing but a signature.
She puts the card back on the table in front of her.
Still looking at it and wondering.

By then I had delayed myself as much as I could and I now had to leave.

London Underground

I’m sitting on the tube, rucksack on my knee - this is the perfect opportunity! I search through my rucksack for them but there is too much stuff and I can’t find them…

…I get frustrated….

I remember I have some in the zip pocket - I find the box, open it, take three cards out and close my bag. The guy opposite looks over to see what I've taken out. I get embarrassed and try to hide them.

*It’s been a while since I have left any cards and I had forgotten how scared I sometimes feel when I am about to do it.*

The guy gets off. The opposite seats are now empty. I want to lean over and put a card on the seat in front, but there is another guy sitting next to me and I'm too scared.

I wait until my stop.
I stand up.
Put my rucksack on.
Cards clutched in my hand.
As I get off I drop one on the seat.
I don’t look back.
I feel like I can breathe again now.

I’d forgotten how frustrated I get.
How much it makes my heart race.

I’m glad I did it now.

________________________


London Underground

My final tube home.
I get the card out as I wait on the platform. The tube comes. I get on, and as I do I drop a card on the seat opposite before I sit down. There are only two other people in the carriage so I don’t feel too self-conscious as they don’t even notice me.

-I sit down and wait, knowing I have to pass through seven stops and that it is getting close to rush hour.

At the next stop a European family get on…

The youngest boy, who looks around 6 years old, picks up the card. – He looks at it, but he doesn’t understand it.

His older sister comes over to him, takes it from his hand, again not understanding as she looks at it.

Then the middle brother comes over, he takes it from his sister and has a quick glance at it. Realising he doesn’t understand it, he sits down. He keeps the card in his hand the whole journey, glancing at it every now and then.

In some ways, I wish he would just put it down and then there may be a chance of me catching someone else’s reaction before I have to get off. But I know I shouldn’t be thinking like that.

*And I am glad he didn’t discard it straight away like his brother and sister did, just because he didn’t understand it. *

I wonder whether he will take it with him.
I cannot decide whether or not I want him to.

Their stop comes and I think I am partly relived when he leaves it on the seat before he gets off.
But I don’t like that I feel this way for selfish reasons.

The man that has been sitting a couple of seats away from them tries to look over at it, but he can’t see what it is.
He tries a couple of times…
He is too far away…
He gives up.

I have two more stops before I have to get off and I am secretly hoping that someone else will get on and sit there before I have to go.

Nobody comes and though I know I shouldn’t…

…I feel disappointed.

So much for my plans of writing daily, or at least more regularly.
Thing is, the real reason I don’t is because I can never get to my computer, because my desk is always piled high with rubbish, covering the keyboard and mouse and I have no where else to put the stuff. So I just don’t bother and the pile gets higher.
I have too much junk and I don’t know how to get rid of it.
- I don’t know how to be ruthless,
I always keep hold of everything.

The only reason I’ve managed to get to the computer now is coz I had to tidy my room. Going home for Christmas. Well for some of it. Will be in London for lots of it too.

So I’m just waiting to be picked up
Have been waiting all day…

But it’s been nice to have a day where I just have nothing to do… well once I had tidied and packed. For once I could do nothing without feeling guilty, and felt good.

-I’m just writing rubbish so I should stop really -Sorry –

Today I was talking to little Laura, she told me about her auntie. The one who took some of my cards at our exhibition…

Laura had been talking to her.
She had split from her partner and so it meant she could put up the things she wanted to without having to compromise.

She put my cards on a part of the wall where the plaster was coming through – to brighten it up a bit, and so that she can look at them when she is feeling sad.

She had some men round her house to fix something. And because they are handwritten they aren’t easy to just glance at. So these men were trying to look at them subtly, but they couldn’t – they had to look at them closely before they could realise what they said.

It is nice to hear what happens to them afterwards.
When they start to have a life of their own.
With most I will never know what happened to them.
So I like it when every now and then people will tell me a small account of their card.
And I get a little glimpse into its new life.

Walking back from Shared Planet,
Through Oxford,
Bikes everywhere
- I love it!

The guy walking in front -
-Also walking back from Shared Planet-
He had one of those biscuits,
The ones you get free with your coffee.

He left it on the seat of a bicycle,
For the person to find when they return.

"All people are essentially good."

I was on the tram the other day and there were three people going around giving out chocolates.
Well Quality Streets.
And I remember because they were Nestle, and I was thinking if it would be wrong of me to accept one.

I decided I was going to.
I waited for them to come to me…
There was one person coming from each side.
I wondered who’d get to me first-
But most of all I wondered why they were giving them out-

Secretly I hoped that maybe they were part of Danny Wallace’s Karma Army.

I looked again to see which of the two men were nearing me.
One had stopped and was sitting talking to a couple about what he was doing.
I tried to hear but couldn’t.
So I waited for the other man to reach me.
I was looking forward to having a dialogue with him.
He got close…

Now I would get my answer which came with the words he spoke:
"Would you like a chocolate as a token of God’s love for you?"

-I took one and thanked him.
He walked away and I felt a bit disappointed.
There wasn’t really much dialogue, which I assume is why they were doing this.
Maybe it was my fault.
Maybe I should have said something.
…but I didn’t know what to say…

We arrived at the next tram stop and they got off.

Maybe that’s why he didn’t talk. Maybe he didn’t have the time because he'd be getting off in a minute.

I didn’t keep up with you.
I ignored you all summer...
…left you in the corner of my room all alone.

The only time I came to you was when I wanted something.
When I wanted you to look after something…
My photos.

And you did, without a word of complaint.
Thank you.

I have just been reading through this and filling in all the apostrophes I had left out. Though I’m not sure I should have. But for some reason today I found the lack of them annoying, though I never normally care.

In fact I’ve probably missed a lot of them…
Suppose to me it’s not that important.
But I kind of feel I have a duty to use them.
Especially after I watched that program about people that were so obsessed by the missing ones, they would go around and fill them in.

Good old apostrophe

- Right enough distracting myself – Essay time* -
*correction – ‘Research bloody Portfolio’ time.